1 00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,607 My name is Lieutenant Colonel Angelina 2 00:00:03,607 --> 00:00:05,773 Stevens and I'm the commander of the 3 3 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:07,773 66 maintenance squadron at Mountain 4 00:00:07,773 --> 00:00:09,829 Home Air Force Base . And I suffered 5 00:00:09,829 --> 00:00:11,829 mental illness for a year after the 6 00:00:11,829 --> 00:00:14,230 birth of my son with severe postpartum 7 00:00:14,230 --> 00:00:17,110 anxiety , postpartum depression and 8 00:00:17,110 --> 00:00:20,960 suicidal ideations . Mm mm . 9 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:22,340 Mhm . 10 00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,707 I am married joint spouse . My husband 11 00:00:27,707 --> 00:00:29,960 is an F15 pilots and we've been married 12 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,182 for most of our time in the air force . 13 00:00:32,182 --> 00:00:34,182 We've known each other for about 20 14 00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:36,293 years . Having kids was a journey for 15 00:00:36,293 --> 00:00:38,460 us . We we had a lot of struggles . We 16 00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:40,404 had miscarriages . We had a lot of 17 00:00:40,404 --> 00:00:42,516 difficult and rocky um with the rocky 18 00:00:42,516 --> 00:00:44,682 journey along the way to having kids , 19 00:00:44,682 --> 00:00:46,571 we were actually both in the same 20 00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:48,793 school together in Washington , D . C . 21 00:00:48,793 --> 00:00:50,960 And found out that I was pregnant with 22 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,182 my son Logan . Remember the moment that 23 00:00:53,182 --> 00:00:55,016 we met him ? He turned around he 24 00:00:55,016 --> 00:00:56,904 actually opened his eyes and just 25 00:00:56,904 --> 00:00:58,904 looked at my husband the 1st 2nd he 26 00:00:58,904 --> 00:01:01,127 heard his voice . It was pretty magical 27 00:01:01,127 --> 00:01:03,127 meeting him for the , for the first 28 00:01:03,127 --> 00:01:05,127 moment . So my husband went back to 29 00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:07,238 work after a few weeks and I probably 30 00:01:07,238 --> 00:01:10,160 started to lose myself at about four or 31 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:13,060 five weeks postpartum yeah , 32 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,030 So Logan was 12 , 12 weeks old to the 33 00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:19,210 day and we were sitting below the 34 00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:21,340 Washington Monument and I had him 35 00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:23,530 strapped to the front of me in one of 36 00:01:23,530 --> 00:01:26,890 those front carriers and I 37 00:01:26,890 --> 00:01:30,840 remember sitting there just kind of 38 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:34,470 talking to him . I at first I was just 39 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,637 describing what was going on around us 40 00:01:36,637 --> 00:01:38,748 and he just stared at me for probably 41 00:01:38,748 --> 00:01:40,914 like 30 or 40 minutes . He just stared 42 00:01:40,914 --> 00:01:44,780 at me and I remember 43 00:01:44,790 --> 00:01:48,470 just feeling very confused about 44 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,647 the way I felt about what was going on 45 00:01:50,647 --> 00:01:53,060 in my own head . I snapped a picture 46 00:01:53,140 --> 00:01:55,150 that actually didn't look at until 47 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,300 about a week later . Um just kind of 48 00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,133 reached out was too much glare , 49 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:02,980 snapped a picture and um throughout the 50 00:02:02,980 --> 00:02:04,980 next year I would look back at that 51 00:02:04,980 --> 00:02:07,780 picture and it was like the only moment , 52 00:02:07,790 --> 00:02:10,590 probably three moments in a year where 53 00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:13,360 I remember feeling , 54 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,800 feeling like I could see clearly 55 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,430 enough to just reflect on my own 56 00:02:21,430 --> 00:02:24,660 existence . 57 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:32,200 My existence was a fight for 58 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,470 survival every day with this constant 59 00:02:35,470 --> 00:02:38,780 battle between the severe depression , 60 00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:40,800 which was just this overwhelming 61 00:02:40,810 --> 00:02:43,700 darkness , convincing me that the world 62 00:02:43,700 --> 00:02:46,120 would be better off without me and 63 00:02:46,130 --> 00:02:48,270 severe postpartum anxiety , which is 64 00:02:48,270 --> 00:02:50,790 hard to put into words but is like 65 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,930 nightmares playing in the background 66 00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:56,162 all day every day , no matter what else 67 00:02:56,162 --> 00:02:58,680 was going on . And it took all of the 68 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,270 extra energy I had to see past 69 00:03:01,270 --> 00:03:03,760 it . 70 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,170 I felt like I had rejoined my own life . 71 00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:12,620 Slowly the darkness and the noise just 72 00:03:12,620 --> 00:03:15,380 started to lift away and got 73 00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:18,970 quieter bit by bit and 74 00:03:18,970 --> 00:03:21,430 eventually it was gone and it left a 75 00:03:21,430 --> 00:03:23,860 mark . 76 00:03:25,340 --> 00:03:28,370 A lot of people 77 00:03:28,670 --> 00:03:31,550 struggle with how to 78 00:03:31,550 --> 00:03:34,940 approach a conversation with someone 79 00:03:34,950 --> 00:03:37,061 that is struggling with mental health 80 00:03:37,061 --> 00:03:38,839 or struggling , struggling with 81 00:03:38,839 --> 00:03:40,950 suicidal ideations . And I think it's 82 00:03:40,950 --> 00:03:42,950 important not to try to solve their 83 00:03:42,950 --> 00:03:45,117 problem . And there's only so many yes 84 00:03:45,117 --> 00:03:47,339 or no questions you can ask . It's more 85 00:03:47,339 --> 00:03:50,410 important to create the open space for 86 00:03:50,410 --> 00:03:52,577 them to explore their own thoughts and 87 00:03:52,577 --> 00:03:54,960 maybe share some of those with you and 88 00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,230 ask questions that are seeking to 89 00:03:58,230 --> 00:04:01,100 understand how they're feeling . You 90 00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,211 might be the person that catches them 91 00:04:03,211 --> 00:04:05,433 in that moment and gives them the space 92 00:04:05,433 --> 00:04:07,600 to say something and you might see the 93 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,830 difference in them if you try to know 94 00:04:09,830 --> 00:04:12,510 them well enough to realize when 95 00:04:12,510 --> 00:04:13,960 something is off . 96 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:24,440 Yeah , 97 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:32,640 yeah .